Have you ever taken the risk of making yourself vulnerable to another person?
Maybe you decided to confide in someone about something that was troubling you; a problem or an addiction or a negative feeling that no one seemed to share. Perhaps you told a close friend that you struggle to connect with your kids or maybe you are getting too close to someone other than your spouse. Most of us, at some point in our lives, have made ourselves vulnerable by being honest with someone we felt we could trust.
It takes courage.
It often deepens our relationships and enables us to grow stronger and kinder toward ourselves and others.
And sometimes...
It goes really pear-shaped.
That's because vulnerability (aka honesty) makes you vulnerable. (I know, it's ironic, right?)
Who you choose to be honest with determines the quality of the interchange. Is it going to be a positive experience? Is it going to alleviate your self-doubts? Thrust you in a positive direction? Will it deepen the relationship or will you be left out to dry?
There have been times in my life when I have opened up to people who I thought I could trust. At times it has gone well, at other times, I have been left feeling more embarrassed, ashamed or awkward, wishing I had never said anything at all. Opening ourselves up to the wrong type of people or opening up to the right person at the wrong time can leave us feeling worse than before we started. I want to provide some tips that I have learned along the way (usually by trial and error) about how to be vulnerable without losing a piece of yourself.
1. Your Stories are Precious
It may or may not come as a surprise to know that not everyone deserves your vulnerability. When we open up, we allow others to look inside of us. We are giving a piece of ourselves away. Is the person we are sharing with trustworthy? Will they be able to see past our behaviours/addictions/problems and still love us for who we are without being put off by our 'messy bits'? Who you choose to be honest with is vital. Value yourself enough to choose someone who will value you right back.
2. Don't Force Intimacy
Friendship takes time. Over-sharing can impede what could be a good friendship. Some people are naturally over-sharers. I used to be on the generous side of the spectrum when it came to opening up to those around me. With time I have learned to hold some things close. To judge the quality of the relationship before trying to move it to the next level. Be wise. Sometimes honesty brings us closer to those around us, sometimes it is too much too soon. Take your time. Don't rush a friendship.
3. Sharing is like a Tennis Match
Sometimes I like to think of friendship as a bit of a tennis match. You know you're watching a really good game when the ball goes back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in a long and evenly-matched rally. Is the friend you are wanting to talk to likely to share with you also? Or will it be a one-sided affair? If someone is holding back on themselves, it might be wise to choose someone else or to wait. Some people won't reciprocate your authenticity. The reasons vary; they may simply be more naturally cautious and private, they may prefer to keep their friendships at arm's length or worse case scenario, they may be working hard to keep up a fascade. The worst thing you can do is to open up to someone who will use you weaknesses against you. We are all human. Not everyone wants to admit that fact. Unfortunately, some people will use your vulnerability to make themselves feel better.
What to do if there's No one
Blogs, Books and Podcasts
During certain seasons of my life, there have been times when I have found books, blogs and podcasts to be a helpful way to receive the validation I am needing. There are a multitude of resources out there to assure you that you are not alone; that life is hard and that there is always someone who can relate to what you are experiencing. If you are going through a season where there is no one you feel you can connect with, these types of resources can be really useful.
A Counselor
Paying someone to listen is a surefire way to ensure that your secrets will stay that way! Counseling can be really helpful when you need a sounding board, an action plan or simply need someone in your corner. Choosing the right counselor is important. Find someone you feel comfortable with. If the rapport isn't there after a couple of sessions, try finding someone else. Counselors are people too and not all personality types work together. Give it a chance, but if it's not working, shop around.
Ask
God knows what we need and when we need it. He Himself has said it is not good for us to be alone and tells us to meet together with others who know Him. Ask Him for a good, positive friend or mentor. You may need to take steps; perhaps engaging in a community; whether it is attending church or a small group; a mother's group, ladies group, craft group etc. You might need to make yourself available. Again, shop around! Some community groups are more supportive than others, but just remember, God has created you for connection. He won't leave you without the support you need.
And of course, God Himself!
By putting God last I am in no way indicating that He is our last resort, however, sometimes we need physical solutions or 'God with skin on' as I like to think of it (I have no idea where I read that line but it stuck with me over the years). When Jesus left the earth He promised His disciples that He would
not leave them as orphans but that He would send someone to dwell with them forever: the Holy Spirit or the Spirit of Truth. He is referred to as the Counselor, the Comforter, the Advocate who will lead us and guide us and remind us of Christ's teaching. Likewise, we are told to
cast our cares upon God because He cares for us.
People may let us down, but God never will.
Others may judge us or use our vulnerabilities against us but God assures us in John 6:37:
'All that My Father gives Me will come to Me; and the one who comes to Me
I will most certainly not cast out (I will never, never reject anyone who follows me).'
